How Do You Fix A Spoiled Child? Framework & 10 Steps To Make It Happen.
How Can You Unspoil Your Kids? permalink
Kids are exposed to and influenced by a lot of things, more than we could ever imagine.
Children may pick up behaviors from observing adults and peers, or from what they see on television. Sometimes we are too tired after work to set rules and so we indulge for a moment to every request they have. Parents, of course, play a major role in this.
In every day life, it’s hard to tell whether you’re spoiling your kids, but when they start to show signs of ungrateful behavior and frequent tantrums, the evidence is unmistakable. It might be time for you to teach them all about gratitude again!
This article will provide a few pointers on how to do so successfully and get their attention in a way that helps them internalize the frustration of a "no", to help them grow stronger.
You may also want to check some helpful books about this subject: permalink
- How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber.
This book is really helpful for anything related to good communication with your kids. I read it twice and also borrowed it from my local library to take more notes. Number one.
A general approch to raise healthy humans, with practical tips.
The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart About Money
No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind
Focused on positive parenting.
How to Unspoil Your Child Fast: A Speedy, Complete Guide to Contented Children and Happy Parents
Appreciated by most, critiqued by someone who thinks his methods are not focused on positive parenting but more on severity, consequences and raising little soldiers. Truth often lies in the middle.
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Spoiled children are really annoying and disturbing. If you are the father of a child who was born with a silver spoon in their mouth , then you probably experienced embarrassment among your friends and relatives when they made a scene in front of everybody.
If you continue in this manner, these kids will grow up to be entitled brats that will definitely annoy everyone around them.
There are two ways you can approach the situation when your child is displaying spoiled behavior. You can either let it go, or try to fix it. Fixing a bad behavior is harder, and causes a lot of stress, but only for a short timer. Your future self will be grateful for your effort not allowing things to go downhill.
My kids know that I am strict about how I expect them to act and behave. Being strict does not absolutely mean that you must be physically or mentally violent towards your kids. It means that you are firm in your decision to make them well-behaved individuals who don’t give in to doing things just because they could.
TL;DR: Try to be Firm, Sweet and Gentle with your kids. And many problems will fly away!
Framework To Fix A Spolied Child permalink
Before you fix your spoiled kid you have to check if you have a good setting, so analyse deeply your situation and try to build a good supportive framework for the change to happen easily.
1. Think about your own mistakes as an adult permalink
The first step to fix a spoiled kid is focusing on our behaviour as a parent. Critical situations are the first ones to analyse, but every day life is important too.
Are we saying "yes" to everything they ask to us? Are we using any kind of reward system? Is there a punishment system? Are we playing favorites? Are we over-reacting to everything they do and then feel guilty about it?
Sometimes we are too tired to say "no" and give in to their demands. Kids learn quickly that if they insist enough, you will capitulate and change your no to a yes. And that's the first step to creating a spoiled child. So before you fix your kid's behaviour, you have to look at yourself and admit that you may be part of the problem. Think well before deciding to say yes or no.
Set the rules when you are relaxed. Then, in critical situations, STOP and think: "Should I say yes or no according to the rules?" Then follow along and don't change your mind. Your kids will respect you more if you are kind but firm. Kids need some boundaries for them to become more independent but responsible. If you give in to them every time they ask, they will feel as if they can rule over you, but their frontal lobes are not yet developed enough to filter out their emotional responses to their commands.
2. Encourage them to take sports or activities that have rules permalink
Sports can do wonders to kids, but you must choose carefully. The coach is really really important, it can save or destroy a kid self esteem. Ask other parents, know your neighbourhoods. My son takes judo lessons and the sensei is a really great man: wise, nice but firm. He can make children respect the rules. Kids love and respect him. I saw a terrible, annoying, spoiled kid in the same class as my son, who was literally transformed during the year, and his mom is eternally grateful to the coach, because the child learned 3 important lessons: being patient, waiting for his turn, and being aware of others.
Spoiled kids are often selfish about their needs, or they want to draw attention. That' why also team sports are helpful, because everyone has a role, you play for your team. So in a family you should try to teach your kids that they also play " for the family team".
3. Model good behavior in front of them permalink
I talked to a psychologist on the phone and parents had the same problem: what to do with my spoiled kid? The answer is really surprising. If you are asking yourself that question you are probably guilty of spoiling your kid. She said: mom and dad are like kids as well, we do all the mistakes, we all want the best for our children and sometimes we act like spoiled kids ourselves. But as grown up adults we have to live with it and understand that our kids learn by example.
When you are a model of good behavior in front of them, they will follow you. A good way to do that is with consistency: make sure that your kids see you doing the right thing and they will copy you. No-one is perfect and we may lose our temper sometimes, don't be afraid to apologise if you make a mistake. Your kids will learn from this too.
4. Be consistent with consequences and limits permalink
Write down some rules for your kids. Be careful, the list should be short but precise, and remember to keep a copy of it to reference whenever necessary. Rules may change over time as they grow up or as new situations happen. Sit down with them and write 3 non-negotiable rules. Then ask them to help you finding ideas for rules that may be important to follow in the house. It can be really educational to do so. They will be more prone to follow the rules.
Try to involve your spose too. You must find a common idea of what can be done and what not. Often spoiled kids find the weakest parent and exploit him/her to get what they want. It's a tactic that these little monsters :-) use to avoid getting disciplined. This is why your rules must be clear and consistent. When your kids are too young, you will have to set the limit for some of their activities. If at an early age they learn to respect the limits, they will not become spoiled when they are older. You and your spose should work together.
What Steps Do I take To Unspoil My Child? permalink
Here are the basic steps that I take in order to help my kids become responsible adults who are grateful for everything they have:
Make sure they understand that they can ask for help or be told what is expected of them if they need assistance with a certain task.
Show empathy and tell them that you know how hard it is to want something and not being able to get it. Tell them you appreciate the effort they will make to give up their really desired toy. Also, dont' say a definitive no. One thing that really works for me is writing their desire down on paper. It does work really well. I say " I know you want X a lot. Let's wirte it down for later / for Santa / for your birthday, so we don't forget it". This is usually enough to calm them and give them hope that what they want will arrive sooner or later. Kids learn patience this way, and this is a good path to getting unspoiled. Do not use this pattern to much, or it will lose power. Use it sparingly, though.
Make sure your home atmosphere is one where they are allowed to play and have fun without being given too many restrictions on what they can and cannot do. Write down the most important rules in a positive way. Instead of " Don't play with the ball in side the house", try "We can use the ball only in the garden!"
You want to** set the right example** for them. But it is important that you let them enjoy your company, without yelling "STOP IT" every minute or so.
As you sit and chat with your children, be sure to praise them for their good behavior. They need to know that you’re proud of them for having good manners.
Provide clear expectations so your children know what you are expecting from them. Make your kids accountable for organizing a certain chore or assign them some responsibility they can manage in relation to their age. Make sure everyone knows who is responsible for what and which tasks are important, without being too obsessive. You don't want to raise your kids in a Full Metal Jacket camp .
If they start to display spoiled behavior, calmly isolate them and talk to them in a soft but firm way. Make them think about how they should’ve behaved. If they keep answering unpolitely tell the how they can tell the same thing in a gentle way. If they yell " I Want Candies!!" tell them : " You should say with a calm tone Dad Can I have some candies please?"
Anticipate what it's going to happen. If you take them to the supermarket, before you go in say something like: "Remember, we are here only to buy something for dinner, there are a lot of cool things in the supermarket but we don't need them now, did you understand? Can you promise me you will be a good boy?"
If your child is constantly being rebellious or misbehaves, you may want to consider finding an educator for some time. Spoiled kids usually feel a sense of awe of unrelated people. You need someone who can be firm with them, yet also give them the loving support they require.
Discipline is essential for teaching and molding your children into well-behaved and mature individuals. If you want to be able to teach them how to be grateful and appreciative for the things they are given, you must first show them what this looks like through the way you carry yourself and your interactions with others.
Make sure that when you are disciplining your children, you are not using any types of physical abuse because this will only confuse them about what’s right or wrong. And remember that words and non-verbal communication can wound and hurt like the physical counterpart.
Conclusion permalink
There are a lot of ways to help your children get on the right path and avoid spoiling them. The best thing you can do is using the right tools and tactics in order to raise a disciplined child that will be ready for the world.
Sometimes the path seems long and hard, but it is still worth walking. If you can get a few lessons from other parents who have already walked along the same path, you will soon be able to see how to do things right and avoid spoiling your children.
Your family has a chance to raise a child that will become a great adult someday. Can you act soon and correct any mistake before they grow up? I think so, and I hope that this article gives you a little insight.
I know people are different and that's what makes life interesting. But spolied kids usually become insecure adults who often can't take criticism, who are not very independent. They may also give up too quickly or fall more easily into despair over disappointments because they are used to hear YES over and over to their requests.
In extreme cases they'll never learn to appreciate anything because it's so easy for them to fall into the habit of demanding everything from other people and being dissatisfied with whatever they receive. This is how cruel life really is in the universe of spoiled humanhood.
So take care of your kids and raise them properly if you want them to change their lives for the better.